My Best Friend

Name:
Location: Boise, Idaho, United States

Eats babies

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Mom,

Should I feel stupid for writing you.. You're not even here anymore. You can't read this and respond or feel my words. I miss you so much. You were my everything.. this whole families everything. And I guess the world keeps turning, even when you aren't around. But it shouldn't. No one should even be breathing because what's the point.
I miss you so much. I can't stop saying that. And thinking it. Everything is empty, mommy. Nothing means anything to me anymore. And I feel like I still need you.
I keep thinking, oh I have to tell you this, take you here, show you this. And then it hits me over and over again that I can't ever have that. I think part of me always knew you wouldn't be around to see me get married or anything like that.. but the other half hoped so deeply.

I'm glad you aren't in pain. And you are in heaven with Brandon. And I should be really happy about that but its hard sometimes. I wonder if you can see me? If you can feel daddy when he cries. You were his everything in his whole world. And his eyes don't sparkle anymore.

Mom, can you hear me? I wnat a piece of you so badly. I want to touch you and feel you. Smell your skin. I can't believe you aren't here anymore. I've changed so much, Mommy. I wish you could see. I wish I could tell you all the things I want to.. you were my best friend. The only one I could always count on. But I would never bring you back to this life of pain. I wouldnt want you to suffer.

This has been really hard. It's the worst and deepest pain one can endure. I know how u felt when you lost steve and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more. I got caught up in how I needed to take care of myself and I shouldn't have listened to everyone who told me that I needed to take care of myself for once. I would take back every single time I chose myself over you. And I am so sorry. I could have done so much more for you. I miss you mommy. I love you so much. Please dont ever leave me for good.